Incompatibility

I try to sort things out between the virtual reality and factual reality.

In factual reality, I can’t just suddenly have conversation with male except they work in the same place, or went to the same school in the same year or different year without huge gap, or involve in the same organization. May be I did many times, but it was asking things. Such as in Kantor Pos on how to get things. Or in my daughter’s kindergarten because that person know me and my friend. So casual conversations.

So even in the virtual reality after cocoklogi result in particular person, I won’t do anything. Why? Because I don’t find any objectives in the Virtual Reality.

When I talk about no feeling, people gave me score 10. So what is 1? I should have a feeling? What feeling? Love? Or romance? Or just any feeling that people can’t actually explain so they just label it as love?

I’ve met so many people, men and women. It’s just so confusing if I have to have feeling for many men that I know, or women (but I’m straight so impossible). Like at school or work, I have to interact with lots of men. Should I have feeling towards them?

We’re talking about casual things, homework, or work. It’s impossible to always have feelings toward them.

I have to admit that I can have certain feelings to certain people. It’s not something to be faking. So in virtual reality, should I fake my feelings to nearest possible proxy to comply in Virtual Reality. It’s weird.

I appreciate those who really comply. Compliance, as any other things, in good in certain ways and bad in certain ways. I dont’t know how they manage their feelings but I assume they surpress it. So it’s just operatives for them.

For me? I don’t even know the whole arrangement, logic, and structures of Virtual Reality. I don’t even know the objectives of it. How could I comply to something that I don’t know what it is, what it is for and why?

I also admit that for now I have special feeling to certain people. But it’s just adoration. It’s not like I will change myself to be this person’s type. It’s not like I want to be married to this person. Or it’s not like I want to have romantic relationship with this person. I mean, what about my husband, my daughter, my dreams, my objectives, my world?

People in Virtual Reality will ask. So what is adoration for? How should I know? The feelings just came into me. It made me see several things. May be it happen to make me see several things. May be without this person, I will neglect to see those things.

While they consider me crazy, I think it’s crazy that people expect me to build whatsoever relationship to this person’s nearest proxy in my circle. No, I adore that certain person. Proxy won’t pay it off. I’m newbie in faking things and I won’t consider it as one of my expertise in the future.

I slightly know the compatibility between the person I adore and me. It’s incompatible because I’m not the type. And my feeling? It’s flat. Why is it flat? I am who I am and I feel enough. My inferiority doesn’t come from my lacking in other people’s eyes, instead it came internally.

In this case, my irreciprocal feeling is insignificant. It’s different case with my husband. If I have to work hard to do my obligations, so does he.

I have my own world that I have to establish daily. Incompatibility should not be my biggest problem.