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When I’m thinking about something that matter to me, people start to get noisy about my deficiency.

People think they are so great with their achievement and anything, they forget how to civil their mouth and attitude.

So shiny it blinds them so bad?

Attack me, you attack so many people. But what’s the fun if it’s not done in secret? Isolate me as if I’m the one who need some fixes. As if I’m the only victim.

But I won’t reveal it in public. I remember people keep thinking why things never finished at that time.

I won’t switch to the other side too because I’m not in any sides at all.

Is it the curse of debt?

Then the curse will on to those who in debt.

Wait, is it on?

People position me as deficiency?

I wonder if it’s valid?

Should I be paralyzed?

Let’s see

Always similar mode of operandi

I always wonder what’s the price of me keep watching certain people?

Now may be I just got answer, an inconvenient answer.

The background is, there is part of me that would want to support those who are less fortunate than me. Like, for example I’m thinking about allocating some part of my profits in the future to support causes that I believe will bring greater good. In short, it’s like a philanthropic spirit.

I can’t quite explain where I got this tendency. But I read that be a service to other will make us fuller and happier. May be this is where it comes from. I’m not really sure.

I’m fully aware that when we help other we can’t always expect that they will appreciate our efforts. There is systematic reason why millions people are poor. In my opinion, there is also systematic way of thinking that makes people want to stay where they are. Not always bad, but not good at all when the situation is critical. For example, this way of thinking is good when people are already rich. It also prevents some people from being greedy and put so much damages in the world. But for people who lives in extreme poverty? This way of thinking is harmful for themselves.

In my opinion, no matter how people think, there should be bare minimum standard of living for example eat 2-3 times a day healthily, drink clean water, live with hygiene, receive good education, etc.

I was thinking how to grow my company bigger and bigger and work on this cause? Although perhaps I will start from the most relevant cause such as mental health. Not so sure for now. So it’s like capitalistic Robin Hood. Instead of robbing, I make a handsome profit and chanel it to people that are less fortunate.

But now I just realized, that there is already instrument for that. It is… Tax.

This is where I’m divided. My brain and my heart are not so in sync. Normally this is happen when I fall in love. But since now I’m so loyal like a dog to my family, it doesn’t happen any more. But, basically my brain and my heart are seldom to get along, now they found a new reason to spark a debate between them.

My brain is thinking about the wealthy people that pay less percentage of tax, or manipulate their financial report, then why shouldn’t I do that? Is it Halal or Haram, I don’t know. May be if I don’t lie too much, it’s still halal. Oh and those rampant corruption. I don’t know what percentage of it that goes to the officials’ personal pockets. The point is, tax is Cryptonite to my brain. So it want to pay as less as possible.

My heart has its own thinking. Contributing to the umbrella ☂️ that keeps the society safe and sound no matter what the weather, is philanthropic. After all, it gives meaning to life. Ultimately, I will get pahala.

So there here I go again, divided. I deserve gold for being divided so many times. But the gold won’t be given to me unless I earn it. So I’m chasing gold not for the sake of the gold itself, but because I’m divided.

But my heart is asking my brain to look for the angles to make it reasonable, no matter what other people doing. Cause I’m nearly the threshold of not eligible to use 0.5% rate anymore.

Hal yg sering muncul di VR tuh katanya I ga kerja. Padahal waktu itu I lagi heboh-hebohnya setting up bisnis I.

Jadi I bingung kerja itu maksudnya apa. Yg buat I kerja, buat VR itu bukan kerja.

Penasaran aja

Walaupun waktu I tau, I ga otomatis lakuin juga sih. I evaluate dulu, sesuai ga sama goals n kondisi I.

Live in two parallel worlds tuhh bikin bingung ya.

Suatu hal yg menarik memperhatikan fenomena aksi yg kita jalankan dan reaksi yg kita dapatkan.

Misal ketika kita bersyukur, kita akan merasa lebih merasa cukup

Ketika sayang sama anak, somehow deep down it heals inner child

Ketika berusaha membina keluarga, diri bisa lebih growing dari sisi keikhlasan, kebijaksanaan, dan kesabaran *walau sering masih sumbu pendek sih hehe

Pertanyaannya apakah bucin return nya bagus?

Ini sangat menarik karena ada paham yg bilang ketika kita beramal, sebenarnya kita beramal untuk diri sendiri.

Ketika kita mengamalkan kesungguhan apa ya yg didapatkan?

Mungkin damage kita jadi extra plus plus kali ya soalnya kita spend a lot buat ngejar sesuatu yg kita inginkan?

Bisa jadi bisa jadi

Jadi ini menginspirasi aku buat bucin pada suatu cause tapi apa ya belum ketemu nih yg pas.

Biar aku juga punya damage yg bikin orang nahan napas 🤣🤣🤣

Ga deng wkwk, yaa biar ikut mengangkat reputasi perusahaan aku juga nantinya. Jadi aku pake baju cause yg aku believe in.

Selain itu biar tapping into unlimited energy karena makin fulfilling purpose kita makin bikin ga cepat lelah.

Gilasih, ternyata menarik banget bisa mempelajari berbagai fenomena yg inspiring.

Kalau dipikir-pikir sebenernya Virtual Reality masyarakat kebanyakan itu bentuk yg paling sederhana. Jadi kecenderungannya itu langsung ngambil pilihan yang paling gampang. Ada juga sih beberapa orang yang emang udah advanced banget dalam VR, sehingga membuat hati ini tersandera karena saking memukau dan menyilaukan (bukan dalam artian romantis ya). Tapi mostly I dilibatkannya di VR yg in the simplest form.

Misalnya I lagi mikirin dan berekspresi ide tentang A. Nah terus refleksi VR nya setelah cocoklogi sekali atau beberapa kali end up di Person 4 yg ga ada hubungan langsung sama ide tentang A.

Nah itu kan gampang banget ya sebenarnya. Tapi jujur buat I, di sisi lain itu challenging banget. Karena somehow disambungkan ke sesuatu yg esensinya ga nyambung itu agak demotivating buat I. Jadi semangatnya itu somehow put into test, karena degrading. Jadi I mesti put energi tambahan buat maintain quality of flow. Ngerti kan flow, kaya berasa kita tuh lagi on our peak focus, the idea and the self become 1. Jadi VR ini di I bikin gembos energi.

Belum lagi kalau historis orangnya tuh misal yg lewat cocoklogi tuh pernah ada problem sama kita. Ya tau sih, VR harusnya ga pake feeling. Tapi I kan pada dasarnya orangnya feeling banget. Malah saking intense nya, kejebur VR pertama-tama aja bikin I stress. Mungkin SLE I juga muncul gara-gara unbearable stress. (-Balik lagi ke ga pake feeling). Nah jadi apa yg harus I lakukan biar menyikapi VR ga pake feeling? Gatau sih, ini belum ketemu jawabannya.

Selain itu, karena I udah kadung kejebur VR dan selalu di expose dengan VR, I pikir gimana kalau I cari hal-hal yg spirit lifting di VR? Dan ironically enough emang VR ini. Di sisi lain bikin geleng-geleng, tapi sisi lainnya bikin angguk-angguk karena ada keindahan dan keajaiban ibarat hidden gem. Yah mungkin ujung-ujungnya dicocoklogiin sama yg ga relevant tapi yasudahlah some loss some gain

Mungkin ada hikmahnya juga kenapa I bisa kejebur VR, walaupun I jadi bingung sendiri kenapa kok orang lain pada udah ngeh VR ya? Apa VR orang lain juga penuh pengondisian dan rekayasa seperti VR punya I? Ntahlah I mungkin ga akan dapat jawabannya.

Jadi karena sudah terjebak di VR, I lagi building resources:

1. energy I yg finite tapi di infinite infinite in
2. feeling yg irrational tapi di rational rational in sama brain I
3. Gold, gem, and diamond yg bikin VR worthwhile. Bukan cuma a bunch of cocoklogi doang yg bikin gembos energi.

Ya emang hidup selalu ada cobaan. Yg jadi biasa buat orang lain, bisa jadi cobaan yg berat buat I. Semoga melalui ini dengan hati ikhlas dan ridho juga bisa jadi peluang dapat pahala. Semoga ga sia-sia semua usaha ini. Semoga menjadi pintu panen pahala dan rejeki.

Aamiin.

In my virtual reality, people keep talking about home as if it’s so sacred. Once somebody asked me, “Where do you go home?” I answered, “Eternity”. Because that’s my default mode on communication: say things factual and literal. I also communicate in metaphor. But metaphor that is normally widely accepted, taught at school, or what I see fit accordingly. Lately I use metaphor that will be said in virtual reality, only few and very rarely in daily communication.

So what is Home? I don’t know what is Home in virtual reality. I have speculation that it’s somebody. Which somebody? How should I know? VR is always confusing because lack of logic and structure that supports it. Often times, it sounds random to me. May be some similarities, then it’s becoming Home. The concept is weird.

What about Home for me?

1. It’s Home when I feel peaceful, warm, belong. It’s wherever my husband and my daughter are. Because being with them, I feel happy the most.
2. It’s Home when my way of thinking being validated. I feel Home when I’m with my husband. Because he understands the way I think. It comes always in ease to talk with him, because it’s always challenging to emphasize my point in particular place because they will twist the meaning of whatever I say. So my husband is Home for me, while that place is never my Home.
3. Physical house in Eternity. My husband wants to live in another place when he’s retired. I keep saying that I’d rather be home at Eternity.

I have no intention to leave my comfortable Home. But I will always upgrade it, making it more comfortable. We’re growing together.

I never forget where I came from. But it’s not my home anymore. In this journey of life, what’s relevant to me is changing. It think that what happens in other people too.

Life is good for me, although people in VR will think otherwise.

But I’m home now.

Jadi kalau I ga punya cushion buat hal-hal yg triggering I, I jadi manusia paling bersalah sedunia?

I salah ya kalau I punya semacam post traumatic syndrome disorder yg ngeliat suatu pattern jadi ancaman buat I?

Gitu ya?

Terus letak you all dimana? I di neraka jahannam you semua di surga firdaus?

Give me a break I mau ketawa sinis dulu kaya yg suka ada di film horror tapi I ga berani tonton.

Situationship pas lagi ada orang yg pengen I akuntabel buat keputusan yg dia bikin.

Like, what maaf ga dulu deh I mending menjauhhh ke pluto.

I nih sekarang suka mempertanyakan kenapa orang bisa mikir sesuatu tuh dengan kerangka berpikir gimana. Karena yg menurut I absurd kayanya menurut orang-orang tertentu tuh normal. Sedangkan yg menurut I normal, buat mereka konslet.

Nih kalau I baby sitter kan gapapa ya dibayar duit buat cleaning masalah yg dibikin bocah.

Atau I kan ortu. Jadi kalau anak I bikin keputusan yg ga menglogis, I bisa kasih guidance. Berharap dia belajar tentang sebab akibatnya.

Lah ini tiba-tiba complete stranger protes ke I buat pilihan yg dia ambil. Kaya adult not adulting banget minta I bertanggung jawab buat keputusan yg dia ambil.

Jadi I langsung langkah seribu sih. Bisa-bisa kan I nanti jadi kambing 🐐 hitam lagi buat masalah yg ga I invented. Like everybody else are responsible for this person’s problems except himself.

Nooo way. Kaya ada dorongan n urgency dalam diri I aja sih but distancing. Kaya orang-orang bilang I rusak, tapi menurut cara mikir I, pikiran mereka yg butuh reparasi.

Pikir bayi cute apa lempar-lempar kesalahan ga bikin sewot.

Mending I melototin algoritma e-commerce ampe I bego deh daripada I jadi begonya gara-gara involved ama person yg detaching himself from his decisions begitu.

Maaf, ga dulu

My daughter suddenly talk about love romantically and I think kids these day can categorize love.

What type of love do I know?

1. Romantic love. The first love I learn theoretically via movies, songs, mangas since childhood. I also theoretically learn that it is 2 sides of the coins. Give you flowering heart and wilting heart. Then I practiced it in real life over time.
2. Love to self. The second love I learn without theory but learning by doing. Constantly compared with others since childhood gave me inferiority complex early. But when I saw myself unworthy of love, I start to crave achievements that I think can make me better compared to other. I start to grow the love to myself, because how can I see myself the only person that unworthy while I have much better qualities than some others? It’s an unfair way to see a self. I Invested so many time and energy to push me to achieve things that I’m proud of. Everytime the temptation lure me to love other romantically, I start to calculate to what it would cost me. I often broke my heart before anybody else could do it to me. Because I broke it with love. Love to self has been the main charges of my motions. When I love myself, strangely it commands impossibilities. To achieve bigger than what I am now.
3. Love that rooted from other being responsible. This is the love that I don’t know theoretically but came as blessings from Allah. My husband introduce this type of love to me. Him being responsible trigger the love from me and also inspires me to be responsible too. To give my best effort to our family. I didn’t notice that I love my parents since my head was clouded with my disappointments that I carry. But I believe they love me with their way, so I love them. I pray Allah forgives me for having bad feelings toward them and help me to cleanse my feelings. I don’t want my daughter have misunderstanding towards me the way I do with my parents.
4. Unconditional love. My daughter introduced this to me. It’s like me as mother being drunk to love my kid regardless of her what’s not so fit to my likings. I am doing voluntary work to carry on the roles to pass the genes to the next generation happily and gratefully although it cost me a lot.
5. Love towards love that give me chances to love myself. My husband introduce it lately for the magnitude of his love. He loves me by giving me chance to pursue what my heart commands me. He let me love myself. He invests his resources on me and my progress. I am forever grateful to it. I try to remember to those who were willing to invest on me and pray that they are given blessings. The way it has always been a blessings to me.

I think in my virtual reality people will say that I’m living in hell because I never received direct guidances on how I should live or how to achieve things. They associate that kind of life with jealousy.

But on contrary, jealousy was never be part of motivation. It’s always been the love to myself that drags me every time when I’m down. That’s not a cheap matter as it demands growth and uncomfortable progress throughout life.

I saw many things but I don’t envy. So don’t envy with what I have. My inferiority complex keep saying that there’s no reason people envy me. But I don’t know the reality. People may think I envy somebody else so they can envy me too. I don’t actually know how people’s brains are wired, especially with what’s happen in virtual reality.

People could think that there’s so many bad things happen to me in the past that make me envy or want to get revenge. I’m telling you that the inclination to love myself is much bigger. My appetite to achieve what I aim to is much bigger than to take revenges. The more progress I pay to myself, the more insignificant their insults to my feeling. To me, I have to pay to get revenges but I only get short term intangible satisfaction. In contrary, I pay to give me progress and get both tangible and intangible long term satisfaction. That’s how I operate. When people think it’s stupid, I say it’s constructive. Collectively done, it will give better long term result.

I don’t envy, so don’t envy me. Please keep away all the threats. Let me and my family thrive and rise to the challenges.