Category: Uncategorized

What comes first

The way people don’t accept me fully

Or

The way I don’t accept anybody fully

Never been at home in according to their standard. But I’m not sorry for that.

Home?

Sorry, what is home?

If they just validate my words that are relevant to them, and insult my other side, might as well I’ll just shut myself.

I will always be a liar to myself.

Even in the ghost post I try post what comes into my mind, and my mba say this and that so noisy. Say things about little, toxic and things.

In this world people expect to me to comply with their standard.

So I’ll be always a liar to myself.

If I true to myself, I’ll be always in exile.

So what if I’m small?

So what if I’m far?

Just because my thought doesn’t comply with virtual reality?

I start to wonder how they are in virtual reality?

Were they undergoing the process I’ve through?

Wait until I know and I’ll judge.

People love upper position in Assymetric information because they get benefit from the disparity.

I’ve witness greed from my surrounding.

Considering I’m so stupid to not know virtual reality.

I wonder how did they know?

People keep me in the dark because they don’t know what I will do.

I wonder if I know what I will do.

1. I wasn’t out of my mind. I heard clearly that he was mentioning my VR. So I am starstrucked. So I reply because why not? It’s normal replying, right?
2. Sometimes I feel sorry that at the past I can’t express what I feel. I just want to try once. So I did.
3. But I am not so sorry right now, because the reply would and will be isolate to my nearest circle.
4. I respect my brother very much especially for taking care my parents. He gave them car if I’m not mistaken. My parents are proud of him. In contrary, they are not really proud of me anymore I guess. I’m not feeling good about this. Of course I have to feel sufficient about myself, but it’s still make me uncomfortable. But at least there is my brother that they can talk about with their relatives.
5. But I’m not incest. I don’t have any romantic feeling towards my brother. I’m emotionally healhty. I don’t have that type of sickness inside my mind.
6. So when her wife write those something, what should I respond? We’re not fighting each other to get my brother’s attention.
7. Oh I forget. I displease my brother back when I was younger. Because he just jajanin me once or twice. Murah juga. So pelit. Blehh
8. Or his wife reply was the proxy of POI’s wife’s reply? Because I was talking about his university so they reply with the same method that is similarity of university. Chill, it’s just reply. It’s not like I try to PDKT or try to seduce or anything. So only can him mentioning my VR, but I can’t mentioning his VR? It’s just replying. With a bit of confession, but nothing much.
9. So next time I won’t do it. To be honest, the reply confuse me and turn me off. I think it’s good. I hate having feeling of crush etc. The roller coaster doesn’t make me comfortable.
10. I will just pray that my unexpressed feeling will not dig a void inside my heart. Especially now that I find out my business is so fragile. What can make my heart full again?
11. But if somebody want to mention my VR again, it’s fine. I won’t bother it.
12. I will post my social media again sometimes.
13. Love with desires or longing is not for me.
14. Actually, my life is sufficient.
15. I don’t understand why I can still have interest in somebody else that I don’t know.
16. Well, I will continue my journey in loneliness. Not so lonely, because my husband and daughter are still around.
17. I will see things that I can’t afford. Like lifestyle I can’t afford but I still watch it. Like luxurious things I can’t afford but I still search them in social media. Like person I adore but I can’t have yet I still watch him.
18. Just for fun, may be.
19. But everytime, there is a feeling, I will remember about the respond for my nearest circle and realize that VR is absurd. My feeling is chopped off again everytime it grows.
20. But this is may be what’s best for me although I don’t like it.

Tapi menurut gue mah sabar aja sih.

Orang diciptakan dengan pikiran yg beda-beda.

Tapi yg horror itu adalah ketika di laporan pertanggungjawaban pas death nanti.

Ntar ditanya kali, “itu otak bisa mikir gitu, terus lu pake buat nindas orang lain”?

Jawab, “Abis mereka entog, malah mikir saya yg konslet? mending tindas aja sekalian, kan mereka selalu mikir mereka udah dalam situasi terbaik. ga ada bedanya buat mereka.”

Tanya lagi, “emang ga dikasih otak biar tau adanya perbedaan cara pikir? Emang ga bisa nyari sudut pandang biar sabar? gampang banget tisoledad ke dalam nafsu balas dendam. Tisoledad sana waktu jalan di tight rope”

Jawab, “give me mercy”

Nahhh gimana tuh kalau begitu, kan I yg ketempuhan.

Duh, kira lu semua gampang hidup kaya gue. Dihh berapa banyak yg mesti gue tahan.

Sekian dan tidak terima kasih

Atau mungkin mereka pikir itu hal yg bagus.

Aneh sih.

Kirain lu kalau jadi pejabat gitu, lu mesti ngasih contoh yg baik, kerja yg bener serving people you lead. Shouldering heavy responsibilities that needs focus. Eliminating unnecessary complexities.

Mungkin mereka pikir mirip manusia lobster kali ya. Once lu jadi orang penting, cewe2 bakal ngerebutin lu di tempat terbaik lu. Terus lu dibikin kesenengan, kegeeran, kerepotan ngurusin cewe2 yg masuk di kehidupan personal lu.

Pantes sih negara gue kaya begini. emang sistem nya menurut gue ga giving opportunities buat growing stronger, bigger, bolder. Ambisi lu sebatas selangkangan aja.

Tau deh di pikiran lu sebenernya mikirin apa aja?

Atau having sex di VR itu not necessary having sex physically? agak aneh tapi kalau konsepnya begitu. berhubung VR orang2 ini simplest form, jadi kayanya ga ada capacity buat mikirin suatu climax yg enhancing and improving lives.

Supposed that certain person is respectable. Then people think I should I want him because I adore him. Supposed I’m successful in my mission to get him, for example we have extramarital affair. But then, is he still respectable? Because scandalous person is not so respectable. And I will become a disgusting person for causing unnecessary problems. Then I will hate myself. Then everybody with healthy mind will hate both of us. Then he won’t be effective anymore in doing his jobs. And his job is important and so many at stakes. It means I destroy greater good for my insanity. That’s the logic of these people.

In my point of view, it’s simply strange and konslet.

I try to sort things out between the virtual reality and factual reality.

In factual reality, I can’t just suddenly have conversation with male except they work in the same place, or went to the same school in the same year or different year without huge gap, or involve in the same organization. May be I did many times, but it was asking things. Such as in Kantor Pos on how to get things. Or in my daughter’s kindergarten because that person know me and my friend. So casual conversations.

So even in the virtual reality after cocoklogi result in particular person, I won’t do anything. Why? Because I don’t find any objectives in the Virtual Reality.

When I talk about no feeling, people gave me score 10. So what is 1? I should have a feeling? What feeling? Love? Or romance? Or just any feeling that people can’t actually explain so they just label it as love?

I’ve met so many people, men and women. It’s just so confusing if I have to have feeling for many men that I know, or women (but I’m straight so impossible). Like at school or work, I have to interact with lots of men. Should I have feeling towards them?

We’re talking about casual things, homework, or work. It’s impossible to always have feelings toward them.

I have to admit that I can have certain feelings to certain people. It’s not something to be faking. So in virtual reality, should I fake my feelings to nearest possible proxy to comply in Virtual Reality. It’s weird.

I appreciate those who really comply. Compliance, as any other things, in good in certain ways and bad in certain ways. I dont’t know how they manage their feelings but I assume they surpress it. So it’s just operatives for them.

For me? I don’t even know the whole arrangement, logic, and structures of Virtual Reality. I don’t even know the objectives of it. How could I comply to something that I don’t know what it is, what it is for and why?

I also admit that for now I have special feeling to certain people. But it’s just adoration. It’s not like I will change myself to be this person’s type. It’s not like I want to be married to this person. Or it’s not like I want to have romantic relationship with this person. I mean, what about my husband, my daughter, my dreams, my objectives, my world?

People in Virtual Reality will ask. So what is adoration for? How should I know? The feelings just came into me. It made me see several things. May be it happen to make me see several things. May be without this person, I will neglect to see those things.

While they consider me crazy, I think it’s crazy that people expect me to build whatsoever relationship to this person’s nearest proxy in my circle. No, I adore that certain person. Proxy won’t pay it off. I’m newbie in faking things and I won’t consider it as one of my expertise in the future.

I slightly know the compatibility between the person I adore and me. It’s incompatible because I’m not the type. And my feeling? It’s flat. Why is it flat? I am who I am and I feel enough. My inferiority doesn’t come from my lacking in other people’s eyes, instead it came internally.

In this case, my irreciprocal feeling is insignificant. It’s different case with my husband. If I have to work hard to do my obligations, so does he.

I have my own world that I have to establish daily. Incompatibility should not be my biggest problem.

Or is this just another manipulation?

But I will never know the truth will I?

So be it.

Attack me then I will blind attack anybody.

Who will be the winner?

Oh it’s a gambling.

But I will congratulate whoever pull the trigger.

Very Indonesian

Memancing di air keruh

Nobody care about me so I won’t care about anybody.

Because it will always be losing game for me.