Author: admin

Jadi kalau I ga punya cushion buat hal-hal yg triggering I, I jadi manusia paling bersalah sedunia?

I salah ya kalau I punya semacam post traumatic syndrome disorder yg ngeliat suatu pattern jadi ancaman buat I?

Gitu ya?

Terus letak you all dimana? I di neraka jahannam you semua di surga firdaus?

Give me a break I mau ketawa sinis dulu kaya yg suka ada di film horror tapi I ga berani tonton.

Situationship pas lagi ada orang yg pengen I akuntabel buat keputusan yg dia bikin.

Like, what maaf ga dulu deh I mending menjauhhh ke pluto.

I nih sekarang suka mempertanyakan kenapa orang bisa mikir sesuatu tuh dengan kerangka berpikir gimana. Karena yg menurut I absurd kayanya menurut orang-orang tertentu tuh normal. Sedangkan yg menurut I normal, buat mereka konslet.

Nih kalau I baby sitter kan gapapa ya dibayar duit buat cleaning masalah yg dibikin bocah.

Atau I kan ortu. Jadi kalau anak I bikin keputusan yg ga menglogis, I bisa kasih guidance. Berharap dia belajar tentang sebab akibatnya.

Lah ini tiba-tiba complete stranger protes ke I buat pilihan yg dia ambil. Kaya adult not adulting banget minta I bertanggung jawab buat keputusan yg dia ambil.

Jadi I langsung langkah seribu sih. Bisa-bisa kan I nanti jadi kambing 🐐 hitam lagi buat masalah yg ga I invented. Like everybody else are responsible for this person’s problems except himself.

Nooo way. Kaya ada dorongan n urgency dalam diri I aja sih but distancing. Kaya orang-orang bilang I rusak, tapi menurut cara mikir I, pikiran mereka yg butuh reparasi.

Pikir bayi cute apa lempar-lempar kesalahan ga bikin sewot.

Mending I melototin algoritma e-commerce ampe I bego deh daripada I jadi begonya gara-gara involved ama person yg detaching himself from his decisions begitu.

Maaf, ga dulu

My daughter suddenly talk about love romantically and I think kids these day can categorize love.

What type of love do I know?

1. Romantic love. The first love I learn theoretically via movies, songs, mangas since childhood. I also theoretically learn that it is 2 sides of the coins. Give you flowering heart and wilting heart. Then I practiced it in real life over time.
2. Love to self. The second love I learn without theory but learning by doing. Constantly compared with others since childhood gave me inferiority complex early. But when I saw myself unworthy of love, I start to crave achievements that I think can make me better compared to other. I start to grow the love to myself, because how can I see myself the only person that unworthy while I have much better qualities than some others? It’s an unfair way to see a self. I Invested so many time and energy to push me to achieve things that I’m proud of. Everytime the temptation lure me to love other romantically, I start to calculate to what it would cost me. I often broke my heart before anybody else could do it to me. Because I broke it with love. Love to self has been the main charges of my motions. When I love myself, strangely it commands impossibilities. To achieve bigger than what I am now.
3. Love that rooted from other being responsible. This is the love that I don’t know theoretically but came as blessings from Allah. My husband introduce this type of love to me. Him being responsible trigger the love from me and also inspires me to be responsible too. To give my best effort to our family. I didn’t notice that I love my parents since my head was clouded with my disappointments that I carry. But I believe they love me with their way, so I love them. I pray Allah forgives me for having bad feelings toward them and help me to cleanse my feelings. I don’t want my daughter have misunderstanding towards me the way I do with my parents.
4. Unconditional love. My daughter introduced this to me. It’s like me as mother being drunk to love my kid regardless of her what’s not so fit to my likings. I am doing voluntary work to carry on the roles to pass the genes to the next generation happily and gratefully although it cost me a lot.
5. Love towards love that give me chances to love myself. My husband introduce it lately for the magnitude of his love. He loves me by giving me chance to pursue what my heart commands me. He let me love myself. He invests his resources on me and my progress. I am forever grateful to it. I try to remember to those who were willing to invest on me and pray that they are given blessings. The way it has always been a blessings to me.

I think in my virtual reality people will say that I’m living in hell because I never received direct guidances on how I should live or how to achieve things. They associate that kind of life with jealousy.

But on contrary, jealousy was never be part of motivation. It’s always been the love to myself that drags me every time when I’m down. That’s not a cheap matter as it demands growth and uncomfortable progress throughout life.

I saw many things but I don’t envy. So don’t envy with what I have. My inferiority complex keep saying that there’s no reason people envy me. But I don’t know the reality. People may think I envy somebody else so they can envy me too. I don’t actually know how people’s brains are wired, especially with what’s happen in virtual reality.

People could think that there’s so many bad things happen to me in the past that make me envy or want to get revenge. I’m telling you that the inclination to love myself is much bigger. My appetite to achieve what I aim to is much bigger than to take revenges. The more progress I pay to myself, the more insignificant their insults to my feeling. To me, I have to pay to get revenges but I only get short term intangible satisfaction. In contrary, I pay to give me progress and get both tangible and intangible long term satisfaction. That’s how I operate. When people think it’s stupid, I say it’s constructive. Collectively done, it will give better long term result.

I don’t envy, so don’t envy me. Please keep away all the threats. Let me and my family thrive and rise to the challenges.

What I really want is robust safety and stability in life. If anything bad happened – that I pray not to happen – I still have strong ground for me and family to stand on.

Who will represent me for this?

If the situation here is about representation, I want to say that basically, I have no intention to buy somethings that are not affordable for me. Those things in real life, or in virtual reality, I won’t buy it. Do I want those refined knowledge that blind my senses to current reality? Or do I want those glamourous blink-blink things that make me forget about my desperation? I do want all those things, but I won’t buy it simply because it’s not affordable for me.

But my virtual life, in a way that I don’t understand, always be collided with the life that is not affordable for me. I’m okay, and not okay at the same time, with the perceptions that are built inside my mind. About losing, longing, and powerlessness.

I remember in the past, when I have no slightest idea about the rules of this virtual reality game, there is so many mispercetions and misunderstandings that led me to do things that I don’t want to do if I was in that situation again.

I hated all those reflections without realizing what happened were all of my reflections. Because, several things inside me were involved.

It’s very simple if the rules are as I think they are.

This time I still don’t know what to achieve in this virtual reality. If it’s worthy to achieve and why should I achieve it. Or how to achieve all of it.

In real life, I’m decisive. I know what I want. I know how to achieve that. When I don’t have money to achieve it, I use my energy and thoght as substitutes. Progress may be slow, but I’m using my resources with my best ability in a way that aligns with my beliefs. It’s always been like that my throughout my life. I wear a clothes that woven by pride and humility that transforms me from time to time.

But in virtual reality, I decide that I will put more attentions to it. Is it the right thing to do? I don’t know, how should I know? Is it normal in virtual reality that my life is being collided with many different persons from time to time?

My surrounding will treat it with what’s most familiar to them. And I have to accept those misattribution during my life. If I won’t respond to it, then what are the consequences? I’m forever little? Forever funny?

This life is similar to the concept of hell in Islam. It’s said that it will burn us, then we heal, then burn us over and over again. Let every my desires within me being burnt every time it grows. Let every stabbing words they say remind me of who I am and what I’m after.

To some extent, I got the point. But only few.

Everytime I saw something that is wrong, including my faults, I become gemesss

Pernah beberapa kali kok angka di Excel tuh aneh terus cari sana cari sini ga ketemu ketemu penyebabnya. Taunya pas ketemu, alhamdulillah jadi plongggg. Kalau kata orang, “akhirnya ga sembelit lagi”. Kira-kira gitu.

Kalau aku ngeliat angka terutama sebagai quantified information tuh agak sakral. Soalnya itu jadi input buat pengambilan keputusan aku. Jadi kalau angka nya rasanya ga sreg tuh kaya ngambang gitu.

Aku juga kebiasaan buat caring too much about things that I shouldn’t care. For better or worse.

Having said all of them, aku cuma mau bilang. Formula yg cell itu harusnya bukan sum dari cell diatasnya, rather pembagian cell sebelah kirinya.

Jadi given other quantified informations are correct, it should be racing with the time 3 months to down.

Giddy up, horsey!

Welcome to my life, where I get a new fresh air to breathe.

As I immerse myself in imperfections, I gain a surprising energy to carry on.

Me – who always try to be innocent baby all the time, although not so innocent, but may be it’s a good idea not to compare our sins – just acquire a more significant convictions as an edge to carry on in a bolder way. Not “bolder” in the way I operate, but to put more faith and mercy in myself.

Therefore, crossing over a “tight-rope” – as they say in the movie – is also an interesting entertainment to me, as to explore my point of views, tickles my thoughts from time to time.

I’m attaching and detaching myself from me as I enjoy the shows.

I hope everybody enjoying themselves too.